Some questions for you, my PSFs! But first, a disclaimer:
Call me a freak, and maybe it's coming from my experience getting my Master's (I was the queen of research...seriously, my explanatory endnotes were longer than my actual thesis!), but I love getting other viewpoints. It has nothing to do with not having nor trusting my own opinion. Rather, I am open-minded enough to realize that but I should never be so blinded by it as to not value perspectives different than my own.
So here are some NSR questions for anyone with some knowledge to spare on lil' ol' me!
- Ave is so whiny. It is just part of her personality and not attuned to anything in particular. Have any of you dealt with a similar "cheery" (sarcasm intended) disposition and have any recommendations?
- Deliberating between going back to work versus staying home (don't we all do this from time to time?). I love my kids and would miss them terribly but, after 6+ years of doing the WAHM routine, I am worried that there is no "me" left in the "Mommy". I have pushed back on cultivating myself (be it with my appearance, my social life or career aspirations) for a long time and now wonder if it was too much (especially since as altruistic as a Mommy is supposed to be, I was my own person before I met the STBX or had children).
Been chatting with some of my friends (both in the flesh and online) about it and getting some healthy feedback on the pluses and minuses. If any of you have some thoughts on the topic, I'd love to hear it.
P.S. Hope this wasn't too much of a downer post. I am really trying to be positive despite all the craziness of this path I am on!
16 comments:
I can only help with my own advice about the working thing. I worked outside the home full time from the time my daughter was two months old. She is now 19...I divorced when she was 5. There were many days i wondered about being home, but as I look back I realize the lessons I have taught her without even realizing it. I get up every day, get dressed and go to work.and had a social life....children learn by how we live our lives, and we must be happy in order for our children to learn how to be happy themselves...just my two cents!
I think Lauri's advice is right on. I was a SAHM for about 18 months when I had to go back to work and I never stopped. I have some regrets about not spending as much time with my son as I wanted to, but I think that he learned valuable lessons in being independent and self-reliant because of it. I really think that the most important thing you can do for your kids is be happy with who you are and what you are doing. I don't envy you your current struggle, but I am certain you will find an answer that works for all of you. ~chris
I don't beleive in whiny baby myself... I'm not telling they don't exist they do... but I thing that there is something wrong... My first was crying almost all the time before I found out about her reflux and milk-soy allergies... after that she was an happy baby... and Sophie right now is not the smiley baby she used to be and I'm pretty sure that it's because she his having pain I beleive from her teeth... but it's always hard to know. Sometime we just cannot find out why they are not well but I think that if we could they would not be any whiny babies...
Regarding returning to work... well I stay home for a year after each baby... and I'm always happy to go back to work after that... I LOVE my job. A friend once told me that an happy mother make happy childs... so if you feel that you will be more happy by going back to work... you child may be happpier too! Only you can know!
Here is a big HUG since I know it is hard to make those decisions!
Allison, I'll give my perspective from a WAHM that actually has her kids in a daycare setting. Because I do actually work a full time job, I kept both my younger ones at home until they were about 8-9 months old and when they got to the point that they needed more attention, we chose the daycare route (we had my oldest in the same daycare so we have been there for almost 9 years). My oldest is now in school, but my 2 youngest still go to daycare. I get a lot more accomplished when they are there and I need my full time job (which I'm on the phone a lot) so keeping them at home with me was not an option.
Also, you have to carve out that time for yourself. Whether it's to go out when your ex has them, make the most of that time without the kids when you can or hire a babysitter for a few hours to get out.
Mom's need to be healthy and happy for their children as well.
On the Ave front, not sure about that one. Are you still exclusively nursing her or feeding her as well? That could have something to do with it. Either that or she's a BIG Momma's Girl ;-)
This isn't really as 'down' of a post than you thought. It's just practical life stuff.
I don't have kids, so can't contribute to the Ave topic. But I am a working person, very much can related to that portion. It's weird, because I'm career driven and there are many of days that I would sit there and be envious of SAHMs, you get to spend time w/ your kids, whom you miss terribly because you're at work and they're in daycare or whatever. And you get some down time to create, which let me tell you, by the time you're done w/ 40+ hrs a week, you just want to veged, little to say be creative.
I believe that everyone is their own person before their current role, but it is also what they have before that shaped them to who they are now. So, you might be at the point of finding yourself again but keep in mind that Avery's growing up experience will be very different from the T & C.
I think the bigger picture-type question is: what do you see yourself doing in 5 years? It's cliche' and its something interview people asks you. But, if you answer it honestly, that'll give you an intermediate goal to work towards. Who knows, you may find something great along the way.
Hope that babble made sense. :)
I think kids are born with personalities and she may be a whiner! But, it is more likely some type of quirky thing labeled as a disorder. I'm wondering if she has sensory integration issues. Google that and see if anything rings true. My son did/does. He wasn't comfortable unless he was wrapped rather tightly or held very snuggly. It also could be allergies or nothing or something else.
About the work thing, geesh. this is so hard. I worked part time when my son was born until his senior year of high school. That seemed to work best for us. I managed to get a job that let me leave to be home when he got home from school, or shortly thereafter (my Mom watched him when I wasn't there.)
Most of the time I wanted to be a SAHM, as I think my anxieties at juggling got passed on to him. So, if I had to do it over again I probably would have quit.
However, I am grateful now for my retirement plan which I will qualify for in 4 years. My husband really did not want to be the sole provider, so I worked.
No situation is the right one for everyone. However, in many ways yours seems the roughest. Working from home is a job and then trying to do that and be a MOM is pretty much impossible without tons of stress.
Ugh. I wish I could swoop over and watch the kids for you! Or go out with you and have a nice long chat. Hugs!
Isn't it lovely to get blog comments from random people like me?
My middle child is four and she tends to whine quite a bit. My oldest was completely opposite, so it was difficult to figure out the "causes" and possible solutions. The conclusion we've come to is that the child whines because they get something from it... your attention mostly.
My advice is to find a way to teach your child that whining is not the way to get what they're asking for. Behavior modification baby! Specific suggestions would be hard to give because every child is different.
As far as WAHM goes... I taught high school chemistry until my first child was born, then I worked at home until my third child was born (now 16 mos), then we made the sacrifce to have me quit and am completely SAHM. There are times when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if my children really need me that much.
Then a few months ago, we moved to a new neighborhood and my kids made friends with other kids nearby. The neighbor kids simply love being at our house and tell me outright that it's because I'm there and that they wish their mother could be home more.
That's not to say that working mom isn't the right choice for some, but it was very validating to hear them say that to me.
I believe that children need care from someone who has a vested interest in their personal well-being, and the bottom line is that you're the only person who really has that.
In the larger scheme of things, you have the rest of your life to work outside the home if you choose, but your kids are only young once.
Such decisions are best made through lots of prayer and council with your husband.
Good luck!
As a college level parenting instructor, the first think we say when one has a whiny infant or toddler is to make sure there is no hidden distress in your own life. Most often the baby reflects what you are feeling. If you are peaceful, content, and on the right track baby should reflect that unless she is ill.
I'm thinking that if I were in your position of being the only adult in the house that it would be very tempting to return to work in a "real" office. I can't say what I would do for certain because I haven't been there, but I know that a large proportion of my week is spent doing things that get me into contact with other grownups and if I were trying to work a full time job at home I wouldn't be able to do anywhere near as much to get out as I do.
I haven't had experience with a whingy for no reason baby (toddler sometimes yes lol) but Charlotte was incredibly colicky and it drove me insane, so all I can say is I hope Avery outgrows her whinging soon :)
Interesting comments!
My middle child turned 29 today and she can still be whiny! She is bright, very dramatic, and as cute as a button. Abby was a whiny baby, and really held grudges against anyone wearing red or orange. Weird I know. My mom was "banned" (just kidding) from Abby for about 2 months until she outgrew the scarey voice phase...I mean she was a funny little duck. She is as pleasant as can be, but can still get a wee bit 'tempermental' in certain circumstances. It is just her personality. She challenged me for years. My other two are very laid back and were that way as babies as well.
Every mom is different, I have friends who were going stir crazy at home with their babies after the first month and went back to work ASAP. I only went to work out of neccessity and then only when the last child started school. I always wanted to be a SAHM, but life didn't give me that opportunity. Ideally, I would have liked to stay home and then have a part time job for the interaction with other adults.
Good luck with whatever decision you make...but I personally would have counted my blessings if I could have been a WAHM during my children's childhood years!
Hi Allison,
Hhhmmm whiny babies, mine weren't but Cassie was definitely the one that knew what she wanted and she wasn't going to settle for anything but. Of course that is probably just a girl thing :) About your working situation. Just do whatever feels right for you. There are pros and cons to both situations. I stopped driving the school bus this year because I just couldn't stand another year of doing it, and it never really gave me enough time at home for anything, plus the kids hated it. As they say sleep on it, then first thing in the morning when you wake up think about what you want to do (you see then your mind isn't full of all the other *stuff* that it fills up with during the day :D 'Good Luck!!'
Do you really want to work outside the home?
Could you possibly find a place for the kids a couple of days a week so you can do your work and take some time for yourself too?
Everyone needs balance. Don't do the guilt trip thing (much easier said than done). Set aside a couple of times a week to do something for you besides kids and work. Read a book, see a movie, do more stamping, go out to lunch once a week, etc.
Working outside the home has many challenges including dealing with sick children, schedules among other issues.
You can't please everyone so if you are happy, that will be better for the kids as well.
Do something for yourself. Why not try something part time, that you love to do, as I'm sure the balancing act with work and children is a fine one. Do what your heart desires for you.
I stayed home for 2 years with my son, then HAD to go back to work for sanity's sake. We watched him thrive in day care (although it was a rough transition, I won't lie about that!) and make his first friends. I think he never would have benefitted from being home with me and I needed the mental busyness of having a job outside being a mother. Now I am home again with my newborn, and my older son is in 1st grade. He was confident going to a new school because of going to daycare and it's satisfying to watch him make new friends.
I realize I'm blathering on, but the bottom line is do what your gut tells you to do. Kids need a happy mom to thrive!! I'm the first one to feel selfish taking time for me, but always feel so refreshed after even an hour away. It's easy to get sucked into the black hole of parenting and forget that we are people too!
I wish I had some advice on the Ave front, but I don't. I'll be watching comments for others' takes on it though as I think we're headed toward colic with our newborn. Best of luck to you!!
I've no kids yet, as you know, so my opinion is only half researched, LOL. I say if you're feeling the urge to go back to work--or to do anything for yourself--that you should go for it wholeheartedly. Follow your intuition. I think of it this way, when we forget self-care we can try & think of ourselves as our own children. If you were your own daughter, what advice would you give yourself & how would you nurture yourself more? I'm really struggling with having let go of taking care of myself on so many levels, so I can relate. You could start work part time, if possible & have the best of both worlds, maybe? I'll be thinking of you! e-hugs, :o) mel
Humm...my second one is a bit whiney. We just keep reminding him to talk in a normal voice. Don't guess that works for Ave yet though since I'm pretty sure she isn't talking yet! LOL! It may be something that passes.
As for working...that's a tough call. You're like me, able to have a decent job while being home with the kids. While some days it's insanely hard to manage, I never seem to get a break from the PC or phone, I wouldn't change being able to be home with the kids. It's tough...so darn tough...especially since I was doing my own thing until I was 37, talk about a hard adjustment! However, I just keep reminding myself that it's a positive for me to be home with my kids...it's good for them. Do we have as much money as we would if I worked full-time, do I put on make-up every day and do my hair, is my poor bod in as good shape as it used to be...no...but my kids don't care about those things. What they care about is that I'm home (my oldest has even said that he's glad I don't work as much because I can spend more time with him! LOL!) Do I need a break sometimes...Absolutely and that's where the hubby, parents, or friends come in. I get my time out, I get my time to get dressed up, do my hair, and have fun - you need those breaks - but I wouldn't give up being with my kids, unless I really needed to, for all the money in the world. I can get a job any time...I can't get back lost time with my little munchkins! :-)
Wishing you the best as you make these tough decisions!!
Post a Comment