Hey everybody (said in my best Dr. Nick voice)! Here's my latest mothering-sure-makes-me-feel-guilty-cause-I-wonder-if-I-am-making-the-right-decision conundrum...Anyway, every M-W-F before school time, Charlotte starts crying about how she doesn't want to go. Once in the car, this escalates to quiet weeping (she usually just tells me she got something in her eye), clinging to me once we get to the hallway outside of class, and then all-and-out crying once the teacher opens the door and the kids file in. I then have to wrench her off of me, bribe her (like today we are making rice krispie squares when she comes home), hand her off to the assistant and high-tail it out of there.
Since I have been a little emotional this weekend already (just one of those times when you feel lonely and guilty...it happens...), I was upset when I got to the car. Although she makes it through class (even though lately she has been just cleaning the classroom rather than participating [that's something I do when I am nerved up]), and the teacher tells me she is okay, I wonder if I should find some other recourse. I am reluctant to pull her out (since she does have to go to kindergarten next year anyway and I can't teach her that when the going gets tough, one can just quit) so if you have been in a similar situation and found something that works, can you leave me a comment please? Thanks muchly...I learn so much from all of you (crafting or otherwise!)...
20 comments:
Here is my advice for what it's worth. Try and find out if there is a specific thing that is causing C's anxiety and see if it is something you change or work on. I was just talking to a friend this weekend who was telling me that her son never wanted to go to kindergarten and whined every day and then they moved and he started at a new school and suddenly loved going to school. It turned out that he didn't like his teacher and having a new teacher made a huge difference in his liking school.
Another idea to try is to try and set up playdates with children from her class. Getting to know them in comfortable/familiar surroundings may reduce C's anxiety when she is at school.
You are right though, she'll have to do it next year, so she may as well find a way to like school.
It is hard to watch our kids having a hard time with or being upset about something, though.
Both my kids went through severe separation anxiety. Matthew worse than Belle (I learned a little). With Matthew he would actually become so upset he would throw up. Talk about Mommy guilt.
We read the book, The Kissing Hand, and started a very strict goodbye routine. It took about 6-8 months but finally he left without tears and getting sick.
Hang in there...it will get better!
I have no advise to offer. Just a hug. *hugs*
It's hard to give advice w/o knowing lots of details. Is this the first time she's been going to a preschool type setting?
My little one has gone to MDO since he was about 9 mos old -- and at the beginning of each semester there are some issues with leaving - but now that don't last long at all.
Definitely be soft but firm when saying goodbye. And I would say stop with the bribing --- this might be a shot in the dark --- but if she knows she'll get "treats" then that might just prolong it.
Good luck! It's never easy --- but if she is calming down within 5 mins of you leaving --I wouldn't think it's a huge issue and it will get better!
I'm giving this advice in a loving way. I'm a Grandmother so it has been a long time ago but I think things haven't changed much. I had only one who had similar reactions to school and the advice from the Dr at the time was ignore it. This was harsh but worked.
It's been a very long time since I had small children but none of them had this challenge. So I only offer a big virtual hug.
I'm going to go with Danni on this one. One of my friends (who is a kindergarten teacher) reads the book to the parents so that they can start that routine with the kids. Lots of love and respect for what she is feeling is key. It is okay to ask her what is making her feel sad...if it is something specific during the day. My youngest went through this and, although it took awhile, he got over it. Please just don't try to sneak away when she isn't watching...that will just make it worse. HUGS and good luck!
I have no advise, just thought I'd tell you I am thinking of you.
Advice from peeps with no kids is relatively laughable, but I have raised a hell of a lot of other people's kids...day care nannying etc. and this will probably make you barf, but might help...What I noticed is that will a song & some really corny enthusiasm you can get kids to like anything! Mind you, your own offspring can probably smell it a mile off when you're fake happy... but...
Maybe play her favourite song on the way to school & talk during the day about what is cool at school or what you remember loving about your own school experience? Cheeso I know (and so operant conditioning it's gross, but maybe it will help a wee bit?) Offering the treat/event on the way to school instead of after might be a good way to 'condition' her to like it instead of liking coming home after? Or at the very least be a distraction from the "stuff that gets in her eyes" ;o) Just me rambling as usual. Hope something works for you, whatever it is.
Hope things are smoother for you soon. You tackle so much that it amazes me!
I'm thinking you've already made sure there is no other reason than being away from you that is the cause of this. She is a smart girl..knowing it's more fun and safe to stay at home with Mom rather than face the unknown with a bunch of kids stealing her glory..lol. It works best to Ignore her when she tantrums over it and simply state Everybody has to go to school. It may help to..sit her down..just like a little grownup (maybe have tea together) and state the reasons why she needs to go to school..letting her know that you miss her too but that it is way more important for her to go... impressing that intelligent people go to school to learn and that in fact even the law states everyone has to go...and everyone likes it after a few months. It doesn't hurt to tell her how impressed you are with her teacher...it sort of gives Charlotte permission to admire her and pay attention to her. As soon as she realizes she is going to go to school regardless of anything she does...she will calm down enough to adjust to it. I actually set a date with one of mine...as to when they would start to like it better. Thank goodness she actually thought it was better by then...lol...It's so hard to be a parent sometimes...Good luck!!
Hang in there, Allison. Be supportive but firm with Charlotte. I would agree that you should stop bribing her with treats etc ... as she will get used to that routine. I hope and pray that this little phase will pass and she'll be happy to go to school.
Give all the kiddies a great big hug from me. I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog ... you're doing a super job with them.
Best wishes
Sharon x
Can I just tell you that I love that you share these little tidbits...It's actually encouraging to hear other moms who are going through the same thing, makes you realize you or your kids aren't nuts! LOL!
My kids are homeschooled so I don't have specific experience with dropping them off at school but our youngest (he's three) will not allow me to leave him anywhere, not even in the nursery at church, where he knows everyone well. He will flip out! He's always been really clingy but it's definitely gotten worse. A good friend of mine has always encouraged me not to get too worked up over these things...As she says, it won't be going on when he's 15! hee hee So...instead of dropping him in the nursery, he either stays with us or I stay with him. I know he won't go through this forever and right now he needs the security so instead of forcing the issue, I'll just allow him the time to move forward in his own time.
So...since she will be going to kindergarten next year, maybe cut back how often she goes to pre-school to just once or twice a week. And offer her lots of affection and support when she's home!
Hang in there...
I'd say hang in there a while and see what happens.
When my youngest was in kindergarten her dad, my late DH, died in an accident. We, of course, were all in a state of shock to say the least. A few weeks later her teacher called me and said she had started sucking her thumb again. The teacher said she just wanted me to know and that things like this usually take care of themselves.
She was right. In time, she did quit.
Kids are tough, and everyone there is going through trying times, so I'd really give it a little time. She may be crying for attention or acting out. She may need some reassurance that both her parents love her and it's not something she caused.
I do home child care and sometimes I get a child that does that and they really are fine once the parents leave. IMHO you are doing the right thing by not sticking around and dragging it out. It always seems to me that the kids do better when the parents make a run for it and leave but if they hang out trying to console their kids it just makes the child cry even more. Its only the start of the year - it will get better :)
Hello Allison,
Charlotte remainds me myself when I was her age. I was the same way. I was crying going to day care till age 5! I was always sitting next to the window and waiting till my mom will come and pick me And in Russia it is from 7 a.m. till 6 p.m.) But when I went to the first grade, I forgot about crying. :)
Sergei was the same way - while we lived in Russia he was going to day care too. And he was crying all day along, not eating at all, always staying next to the teacher and etc. Then we moved to the USA, we missed pre-school here (because he didn't know any English and it was in the middle of the school year). So he went to the Kindergarten 6 months later, and he was doing all right! I was very surprised! I think it will all go away next year and Charlotte will feel better about being away from you...
Hey,
You hang in there. You are doing the right thing by peeling her off and getting the heck out of there. I went through this same exact thing with my daughter when she started 4 yr. old preschool. I had to literally peel her off my leg EVERY time until AFTER Christmas, but then all of a sudden she just started going in on her own with no problem whatsoever. When she started Kindergarten there was not single problem with separation anxiety. She just recently went off to college and now she has to peel ME off of HER. I say "turn about fair play"!!!!! LOL
I am the coordinator for a nursery at a church and see plenty of separation anxiety. It's harder on the parents than the child! Most children are fine once the parent is out of sight...I think it's because they know they're ok and that mom isn't going to take them out of the situation so they adjust and then start to have fun. I would suggest you stay calm and encourage the child to have fun...or how fun the room is...or how nice the teacher is...or how friendly the other children are...point out all of the positives. Then tell her you're proud of her for being brave.
When my daughter was in kindergarten she was more shy than upset, but the teacher suggested she bring something fun to share with the classroom...it puts the spotlight on them but not in a selfish way. We brought licorice sticks...a small treat that made her a hit with the other kids. You could also bring stickers or something little to hand out. Or her favorite stuffed animal or a book to share with the class (if the teacher will do this).
Good luck...it really is harder for the parent! :)
Allison is there any way you can discuss that with the person that take care of Charlotte? They may have idea about what could be done. Sometime, positive stuff coming from THERE could help a lot.
Good luck with it all... it's hard for a mommy heart... and you've got some of that lately. Here is a HUG!
oh goodness...now your dance class post makes sense...I am way behind in google reader so just catching up. My sweet Abby is so like C. At 29 she has grown out of that phase...just kidding. She screamed everyday when I dropped her off at preschool, it took about 2 months and she was then fine...until Christmas break and it started over again. But we got through it and she graduated from preschool and now has her Masters LOL! Good luck Mom...do what feels right for you.
I think some children (mine included) have certain times that they feel the separation more acutely, esp. early in the school year or at any new situation. Some are gungho, others need the little extra security. With my kids, I really play up what fun they had during the day and ask lots of questions so they start to work to remember the cool stuff that happened while they are away from me. If they aren't sick and not having problems with another child (you can always ask the teacher and most will watch a bit closer, if you think something has happened that might have somehow gone under their radar), it's a phase that passes. You can't necessarily rush thru it but helping to emphasize the positive things they experience away from you helps shift the focus a bit. HTH.
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